What’s wrong with me?!

Sarah is a bad ass.

 

You can tell just by looking at her.

Having a simple conversation with Sarah you can feel she’s been through enough in life to give her that sort of “I’ve lived through it” street cred.

But underneath her cool, creative demeanor I could tell she was hurting. Because when her big gorgeous eyes would look at me it was as if she wasn’t fully there inside her body.

It was as if a part of her was numbed out, leaving an empty space inside.

 

This wasn’t the first time I had seen this. Sarah wasn’t alone in her emptiness.

You know that feeling when you’re with someone, but you still feel alone?

Or you’re in a situation where you’re supposed to be having a good time enjoying yourself, but you feel nothing?

That’s the feeling I saw in her eyes…

 

She was simply caught up in a pattern I see quite often:

 

It starts with stress.

 

In her case it was the stress from being different and misunderstood.

The stress of believing something is very wrong with you, because you’re not like those around you, and sometimes people even tell you what’s wrong with you.

Sarah is gifted in untraditional ways, like her emotional depth, her creativity, and her willingness to embrace her wildness and darkness.

When her little girl self felt this stress of not fitting in and doing what she was “supposed to”, she went into self-criticism, judgment, and abuse.

She thought if she beat herself up enough with her own thoughts and behaviors perhaps it would correct things.

So she kept doing it… for over a decade.

 

Constantly beating herself up.

She did this for the reasons so many people, especially girls and young women do: because being our true selves threatens the love and belonging we feel from those we most crave it from: our family.

Sarah had to choose between being and expressing her true self and full range of emotions and fitting into her family, school, and her social circles.

Like most, at the time she chose to “cut off” the parts of herself that were different or deemed wrong/bad/unacceptable, and hid them or left them behind.

Then came the burn out.

 

When you beat yourself up with abusing thoughts it’s exhausting.

 

There’s only so much, “What’s f-ing wrong with you?!” and “Ugh, you’re still not doing it right” you can handle from inside yourself.

You don’t end up with energy for much else, so you end up losing drive, passion, and motivation and settle into tolerating feeling pretty shitty a lot of the time inside, while putting on an outer mask that says, “I’m okay.”

Sarah used to have all these dreams and creative desires swirling around inside of her–to dance, to paint, to design– and with the exceptions of some fun parties and festivals, she was now void of them.

She simply didn’t have the energy to do what she wanted to do because most of it was spent beating herself up all those years.

 

Can you relate?

 

Then came the numbing out.

When you beat yourself up and criticize yourself enough, you eventually stop feeling, because most of us choose not feeling over feeling things like depression, shame, guilt, loneliness, and anger.

Sarah was sooo sophisticated in her numbing out that she would literally blank out as soon as we started to drop into feelings.

Her system developed a defense mechanism that blocked all feeling so she could get through her day without having to relive the pain of her past.

She blocked out the shame and pain by escaping with drugs, alcohol, and partying.

 

After all these years Sarah believed something was wrong with her. That’s what she was led to believe…

But there wasn’t anything wrong with her.

She was simply different.

Gifted in a way her family, society, and those around couldn’t understand and see at the time.

 

I vividly remember the session when she allowed me to support her in safely dropping into her feelings in her body, and feel them fully in a healing process.

Tears streamed down her face as she realized, “There is nothing wrong with me… There was nothing ever wrong with me.”

I had full body goosebumps as I felt her healing herself. It’s one of the most magical things to experience.

In that moment she was able to reclaim the missing piece of herself that got left behind over a decade ago.

 

She started owning herself again–all of her, even the dark/scary/emotional parts.

She began feeling again. She started to come back alive energetically.

As her energy returned was able to accomplish what she set out to, something she hadn’t felt fully in years.

And the emptiness in her eyes transformed into a beautiful depth, that can only come from someone who abandoned themselves and then experienced the pure wholeness of reclaiming herself with love and forgiveness.

 

Today the love and acceptance that flows from Sarah is seen and felt by the other women in the Work with Soul Inner Circle.

I taught her the Feelings Framework I used with her, so now she can process her emotions in healthy ways on her own, and she doesn’t rely on drugs and alcohol to numb out on a regular basis anymore.

~By the way your version of drugs/alcohol might be food, mindless social media scrolling, or jam-packing your work schedule so full you have no time to feel.~

She can handle her feelings, she can handle her darkness, and she celebrates her flaws and difference with immense grace.

 

Sarah is such a raw and real example of a woman successfully working with soul.

 

Her transformation is something I believe gives hope to all women, all people, out there who have fallen into believing they are wrong or bad, and can’t be who they truly are.

This type of soul work takes courage, and this woman has it in every cell of her body.

I’m honored to have her as a part of the Inner Circle, and excited to see what she creates and achieves from this new way of being.

 

Do you ever feel different from your friends or family–the black sheep?

Do you, like Sarah, ever feel there’s something wrong with you?

A part of yourself–your body, your darkness, your past–that despite trying to hide it or change it you just can’t make peace with?

If you do, please know that you can reclaim the parts of yourself that have been shunned, abandoned, lost, or damaged.

 

You can return to wholeness within yourself and begin enjoying the wisdom, love, and energy that lives within your body.

You can start enjoy the full flow of your energy again to move yourself towards want you truly want to be doing in your life–creative expression, meaningful, filling work, and deep love/connection.

You have the choice and the power to do this!

No one else can make that choice for you….

It’s all you, beautiful. Trust yourself.

 

If you’re looking for guidance and support in doing this type of soul work, and would like to explore joining the Inner Circle with me, and women like, Sarah click here. We’ll respond within 48 hours to connect more and see if this program is a great fit for you.

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